I had to get myself stuck in all kinds of situations over and over again so I could realize that the child in me is stuck – and has been stuck all this time.
The reason I couldn’t break through and be where I want to be in all aspects of my life is because the child in me, my little girl self, is still putting her life on hold, sitting on a stone in a corner of a street – cold, lonely, afraid, lost. She’s still waiting for her father to turn his back again towards her and provide her with all the answers she’s been asking on why he left her and why he couldn’t be available in ways she needed him to be, to begin with.
My little girl self is waiting for an adult to provide her with the answers because she’s still unable to provide them for herself.
I’ve been unconsciously putting myself in all kinds of relationships where people cannot be fully available for me in ways I needed them to be, which would inevitably cause the relationship to break down eventually, wherein I would find myself putting my life on hold, almost always begging them to tell me why they had to go, or why they had to let me go or why they couldn’t give me what I thought were healthy needs in the first place.
I would get myself involved with the same kinds of people who couldn’t be truthful to me, too, – for me to see that my inner child is still waiting for the truth and is still not getting it, and is still not moving on because of it.
Today, after almost two decades of repeating the same cycles and two months of intense (gut, spirit-crushing) soul work I have arrived at a breakthrough. During this hermit time, I’ve protested why I had to go through it. I have berated myself and questioned why I had to overhaul my life the way I did. Now I know that I literally had to get myself stuck for me to be receptive to the truth that my inner child is stuck, for me to know that I have to be the parent she’s always needed.
Likewise, I was only able to hear my father’s answers when I have finally grown up, when I have finally chosen to deal with the complexities of life –
“It was never up to me, it’s always been up to you. I only provided you with what you needed. You’ve turned out to be so much more than I could ever hope for. You have made yourself.”
Now I can relay this to my little girl self. Now we can move on together.
I have also realized what “moving on” actually means. It doesn’t mean you’re just moving through life like a robot/zombie doing what other people do, functioning in all the expected ways and might even be earning trophies along the way.
“Moving on” actually means packing your stuff, pulling your roots and bringing all that you’ve got back to you – all that you’ve given away – and literally moving on. Like a turtle with her shell. Knowing that you already have all that you’ll ever need inside you to make this move.
We’ll be acting like children even if we’re already grown adults until we’ve re-parented and healed our inner child. In hindsight, I see how I used to behave like a teenager for the past decade of my life (I’m 32 now). Now that I’ve stepped into my power, now I can see that I have finally become an adult.
The adult in me is in charge now. From now on the world will be facing me, instead. I am the new spokesperson. I am the leader of the pack now. I provide direction for my other selves, my inner children. I take care of us.
I call the shots now.
(I’ve always been looking forward to my 32nd year, for reasons I couldn’t explain. Now I see that maybe somehow I knew that this year will be pivotal for me.)
“My little girl self, I have come for you. I’m so sorry it took me too long to come back. I’m so sorry that you had to be on your own – cold, lonely, lost, afraid – all this time. I’m so sorry.
Forgive me, it took me so long to grow up.
Your needs are valid. You need someone to provide for you, protect you, comfort you, play with you, explore with you, learn with you, hold your hand through life until you are an adult yourself, until you are capable enough to provide for yourself. You deserve to have those needs met because you’re a child, and not because you are too much – not because you are needy, weak or stupid.
You are strong. You are smart. You are powerful. I know you only want the truth.
Well, I am an adult now and I am here. I’m gonna tell you the truth. The truth is you don’t have to wait. You are not gonna suffer or die or not become somebody without your father. You are whole on your own. I am here now to provide for you. I will protect you. I love you. I am here for you in all the ways you need me to be. You have me. You can move on now. You can create your own story.”