As I picked up the photo of us I had displayed on my shelf, together with other photos of loved ones and mementos, I saw myself as that young woman, super happy, both of you smiling as you held her by the waist, and I thought – that was no longer me. I have changed. I have changed so much in the past four years.
I have become a Woman. I am more grounded now, owning my power now. I call the shots in my own life now. I stand up for my desires now – more headstrong than before. I am aware of the painful realities of life now. I have become the phoenix – I know so well that I can rise up from the dead again and again. But I’m less foolish now, I know better to allocate my heart and energy.
I have become a Woman, and I have the guts to walk away now. I’ve matured enough to know that forcing things won’t get you the outcomes you want, and that we are capable of meeting our own needs.
I know better now the difference between a fantasy and a plan. Dreaming is good, and is essential in visualizing our goals and crafting our paths.
But we can’t build a life out of a fantasy.
You’re a huge part of my becoming, and even though I still don’t know why we had to share those lovely years together if we’re just gonna end up walking away, I know you’ve played a major role in filling my cup. I trust that I’ve played the same part for yours, too.
We’re graced to have those joyful memories to look back to. We don’t have much painful ones, and even the painful ones just made our connection more tender.
I have both so much to say and nothing left to say. Because words are not enough. Words are a disgrace to what we had. But as I’ve already told you, words are all I have.