This is a good way of describing how my 30s is going:
One phrase to sum up my 30s so far? In the hot seat. You take an audit of your career, your home, your bank account. You start to take a hard look at the person in bed beside you. You start to take a hard look at your face, the little lines that won’t go away… In your 30s, you find your ‘fight’: What are you willing to fight for and why? Maybe you speak up more. Maybe you make some changes. Maybe things start to happen that change you: children, mortgages, divorce, a parent’s illness. It’s the decade of reckoning, bookended by the ‘explore it all’ 20s and the ‘fuck it all, what’s done is done’ 40s. It’s the hot seat. The time of awakening. – Source
Indeed, at this stage of my life I feel as though I am in another major awakening. It’s as if I am forced to look at every facet there is – then decide how to proceed from where I am.
It’s as if I am given the “magic wand” and for the first time, I am entrusted to waive it and create whatever I choose to, because now I am actually powerful and wise enough to do so.
I have visions of where I may end up going depending on which next step I take. My paths have been narrowed down compared to what I used to believe I had in my teens and twenties.
On one hand it’s sad and it brings me some anxiety, on the other hand it also empowers me. I can focus more now and really drive my energy towards what I value.
At this point I am being asked to pick neither just any fight, nor every fight, but MY FIGHT. What would be the meaning of my life from hereon? If my life is a painting, how would it look like? Which colors would I choose to use? Which style would best suit the emotions I want to convey? Which tools would help me channel my creative powers?
Do I like where my career is taking me or should I pivot in a new direction? Do I like the company of the people around me or should I explore new social circles? Do I think a married, monogamous life suits me – do I find it empowering or limiting? How does my body feel about bearing children – am I still on the fence about it? Do I think about “settling down” and have I found the right place for me, or do I continue being a hippie at heart? In terms of self-expression, do I want to be in the “limelight” or continue being in the “backstage”? Do I wanna start something totally new, something I’ve been wanting to do but haven’t been able to…like dancing? On which things do I invest my money on – on creative projects, on traveling, on my own business, on a house, on health and beauty, on causes I’m passionate about?
Which “self” do I want to choose and put more care of? I know answering these questions would require a level of assertiveness from me. I cannot just answer them and not commit.
In some ways I see myself already fulfilling the roles I’ve subconsciously chosen – the no-drama woman who knows how to take care of herself and shares abundance with the people around her, the cool aunt, the free-spirited traveler, the creative introvert, the loving and responsible fur-mom.
I have a long way to go in figuring out which roles I wanna play. At this point I just have a few in mind – I wanna inspire young women to dare create a life that is authentic to them in spite of the costs, I wanna participate more in caring for animals, I wanna create a more mature but lighter relationship with my mother, I wanna share inspiration and laughter with new-found friends.
Maybe I would want to have a life partner, too and/or be a mother – but to be real, none of these things are within my control at the moment so I just focus on the outcomes I can actually create for myself.
Are these my only options? It’s the time to ask that question, too.
It may take a while before I can feel at ease with the choices I’ve made. It will take a while before I’ve made these conscious choices that will impact the rest of my life. But I think what matters the most now is the acceptance of this awakening – to embrace the fact that the “magic wand” is on me now. I have become the magician of my own world.
I say, game on.