I’ve been wrestling with my regrets recently. Some days were downright shitty.
It went on for days and weeks…and months. Until had what I call a clearing. I have decided to get back on my feet and climb out of my self-loathing pool. Suddenly there was the sun, the sky and life as usual.
I remember a line from one of Sylvia Plath’s poems, “…I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted.” While for sure it’s something I’ve already been doing for months, this time this particular line rang into my mind with a different meaning. It may have drove Plath off the bridge of her sanity, but it gave me a breather and a glimpse of freedom.
I have realized that –
There is beauty, even in regrets.
Regrets are neither whips to beat ourselves with nor weed to pluck from our garden the moment they shoot out.
Regrets are mirrors of our path. They show us the blessings we’ve always been given and the times we’ve failed to notice them. They remind us that we are loved and taken care of. They are proofs of God’s faithfulness to us, that no matter how blind we may be at times, grace has always been showered on us.
They remind us how much we have, and therefore, how much there is to lose.
Like Plath, I wanna be acutely aware of the things I’ve taken for granted – but unlike her, it is not to beat myself to death but to enable myself to start again – this time, more grounded and more grateful.
I wanna know how much I lost so I can learn how to value and maximize all that’s left.
I wanna mourn and celebrate my regrets. Without them I won’t have enough pointers to guide me in correcting my course and in living my life to the fullest that I know of.